Wow, today I sit here thinking, I didn’t see that coming. But instead of being a bad thing, I think it’s a good thing. I have LOVED owning my own business. I think it gave me my identity. It gave me time to spend with my brother and adults. It provided a living for me for the past 25 years so I could put food on the table to feed all my kiddos. But I am learning so much about myself and my worth that I don’t feel I have to have it to feel good. Glow Dough has been so much a part of me and I never imagined thinking I could live without it. But it’s not me. I can be ok without being an owner of a business. Maybe it’s like having a baby- it is so fun to have and to raise up and watch it grow. In the beginning, I was thinking I have to make it work and had a lot of fear about not having a job or not looking cool or important in a crowd. Now I know I could get a job doing so many things. I could find happiness doing anything I’m sure of it.
I have loved having my own business so I can make my own hours and go on trips or not go one day if I have an appointment.
Sunday I was at church and we have once a month where anyone in the audience can go up front and share their feelings. I only do this about every 3-5 years. My heart started beating so fast. It was crazy. I haven’t felt this ever before. I thought, “I don’t have anything to say!” The thought was, “Well think of something fast because you are up!” I was thinking this is good practice for public speaking. So I sat there and waited for it to be quiet, then walked up. While I was sitting there I thought of something to say- it’s January and I have found 3 things to like about it. Martin Luther King Day- blacks in our family, I get to make goals and when there is darkness – like in January when it is cold and dark, there is always a light and that is Christ. I think today as I look back on this experience, it was to see if I would listen and do what I thought I was supposed to do. I listened to the spirit.
Monday I was at work and didn’t want to be there. I was tired and it was after Christmas so I thought that sounded normal, but I never think this way. I have always loved being at work and with Jeff and away from the house and the regular pieces of my life. We left at noon and I was glad to get out of there. Jeff was really excited about the cold packs he had made.
Tuesday we didn’t work because I had a dentist’s appointment.
Today on the way to work I was listening to Daring Greatly by Brene Brown and she was talking about fear and being vulnerable. I have listened to her a lot so it wasn’t too out of the ordinary. Then I started to feel that I shouldn’t print the zendo cups for some reason so I hurried and wrote them an email. I thought of a patent attorney in our ward and thought maybe it has something to do with the name I chose- maybe it’s already being used? Then I thought I don’t want to be here. This is so unusual. I thought this is not anything like I have felt before. I don’t need this work to be worthy of anything. If I am only making a few dollars an hour then do something bigger that will help others and I love. Wow 24 years and now this? I thought I would own this business until the day I died, but things change. I don’t need to have fear around this. I am trying so hard to force this to work and it’s just not. For me, it’s not my path anymore. It was before and served its purpose. But now I have a greater purpose. I’m not sure what it is, but my path is telling me there is a turnup ahead. I will put out to the universe to send me a buyer. I am finally ok with doing something else and never wanted to feel this way. No, I didn’t see this one coming. If I just keep listening it will all be clear as to where to go next. I was telling Matt his weekend that he needs to listen to his path will open for him and then it happened to me. I thought he was supposed to change – not me? Change is good. You go first.