Helping a Teenager Grieve

helping teenager grieve

Teens are very unique and act that way. So you will need to think of them individually with their personalities and what they have been through. Think through a few of these things on how to support a teenager. There is not a wrong or right way how to do this. Talking to your teen about each of these items can help them be more self-aware of how grief affects them. Be sure to listen to them- that may be the key!

How much loss have they been through? Have they been in this position before? Remember even if they have, it could be different with each loss depending if it was a best friend, a grandparent, a close family member, or a pet. If they haven’t, be sure to tell them that everyone grieves differently, and as long as it is healthy- it is normal. There are usually a lot of questions surrounding death. If this is their first loss tell them what to expect, the plan for the next week, and what their part will be. Let them help in some of the decisions when possible- my oldest daughter helped me write the obituary. My kids were really worried about seeing my husband’s dead body. I didn’t know this, but after talking I told them it was a closed casket so they didn’t need to worry. I also asked each of my kids to say a few words at the funeral and told them how that would play out and that I would be there standing with them. You will find out what things your kids are worried about – many of which you never considered. Ask and listen. They may also be worried about the future- so discuss those fears as well.
How close were they to this person who passed? What role did they play in their life? It may be a classmate that they did not know very well or it could be their twin. Remember though, even if they were extremely close to this person they may grieve completely differently than if they barely knew a person- sometimes completely opposite of how you think they would be reacting. Sometimes the year and time of life your teen is makes a big difference. Many act as if nothing is wrong and this is their way of coping.
How did the person die? Was it sudden or did they have a long illness where they could process slowly that this person may pass away? Talk about if there is shock or disbelief. Their feelings may be a lot like yours.
How does your teen process stress? Do they get angry, distract themselves, starve, or work out like crazy? Give them healthy suggestions. You may even learn a few skills from them! Tell them that death is very stressful and we can create healthy habits.
Do they talk about the loss or keep it inside? You can try different things like asking specific questions, “What was your favorite thing you did with him?” Many teens don’t want to talk (about anything!) so consider involving other adults who are in their life like counselors at school, teachers, coaches, and family members. Please seek medical attention and counselors if your teen is showing any self-destructive behavior or saying things that concern you. Following your gut is the best advice. Communicate that emotions can be all over the place. They may feel like laughing at inappropriate times or sobbing and it’s all a part of this grief journey.
Is this going to make them feel their own identity has changed? Will this loss affect their role in their family? I had to tell my son, who was 13, that even though a bunch of people (mostly adults!) were telling him that he was now the man of the house when his father passed, he wasn’t. He was still a teenager and I was taking on the role of being the mom AND the dad for a while- not him. Talking to him about the role of adults and kids in your family helps. I was asking him to help in new ways like babysitting more or taking the garbage can to the street which was previously his dad’s job, but I let him know those are just little things that are helping me around the house. It doesn’t mean he needs to carry the burden that his dad did- he was a 40-year-old male adult. I would never want to have a 13-year-old think he had to grow up like that.
Be sure to give your teen attention. In loss, so much time and effort are put into the deceased and the spouse, that the children (or friends) may feel forgotten. This is a gigantic loss for them, too. Talk about the NOW with them, not just the past. They may feel very disconnected, so keep trying. They may also find a person (such as a father figure) that they choose to spend more time with that helps heal some wounds.
Your teen may act fine- or be fine for several months or years. There is no time limit or a starting point when grief shows up/slows. Some of my kids didn’t act out or hurt for years after my husband passed. Some teens may try unhealthy ways of coping such as alcohol, drugs, or isolation. Look for outside help in these situations. Years after my husband died and I was remarried, my son told me that he doesn’t like dads because they leave him. This was a huge clue into what was going on in his head and gave us a direction on how to work through this.
They may also blame you, God, a doctor, or someone else for the death so talk through these points and look at their perspective. Their beliefs may even change. I told my kids that there are many things in this world that we can’t control- machines, weather, mental illness/ if the person didn’t want help or the environment. We are each living this human existence with others that get to make their own choices which may affect us. It is all a part of this earthly experience and it’s hard to feel like we don’t have control.
A teen’s brain is still developing. Their frontal lobe/pre-frontal cortex (the decision-making part of the brain) is not fully formed until around the age of 25! They may take risks or experiment with things we don’t approve of. This is when you have to remember my favorite motto, “Everyone is doing the best they can with the tools they have been given.” Talk to them. Set boundaries on how they treat you and others. Just because they are hurting, doesn’t mean they can hurt you or other family/friends. Let the punishment fit the crime: I asked my daughter to tell me whenever she left in our car. She was not doing this, even though I would remind her. I told her if she did it one more time she could not use the car for a week. The next day she took the car again without telling me. So I had to give her the consequence (which was not easy since then I had to take her everywhere for a week!) But it showed her, yes, we still have rules to follow. There was no raising of voices, just talking about how things work in our family.

Validate their feelings and how they choose to cope. Choices give them control- which they may feel they don’t have much of at this point in their life. Give them ideas such as seeing a counselor, writing in a journal or doing more with friends. Be patient, set a good example, let them choose how to grieve and most of all, LISTEN.

I’m sure my kids have taught me a lot more than I taught them. My son gave me a few books to read that he was reading in school that helped me immensely:

Mans Search for Meaning (Gosh if he can go through this and thrive, I can do this!)