After we found out Jay’s body had been found my friend, Mike, who was a mortician came over to see me. We started preparing for a funeral and who helped me go through everything I needed to do. This was so unbelievable. I was a widow with 6 kids. It felt like a nightmare but also a miracle because I could think so clearly. The program came to me quickly. I knew who should speak, what songs to sing and everything else. I put me and the kids as the first speakers. I chose his casket the next morning and knew exactly what one was perfect for him. His parents and I chose where he should be buried on Monday. Tuesday evening would be the viewing and Wednesday the funeral. I could feel angels around our home and it was a very spiritual time. But also the worst time. The thing that was the hardest was watching my kids hurt.Wednesday I woke up and thought through what I was going to say at the funeral. I remember so well getting ready for the day and looking in the mirror and thought”I can not believe I am getting ready to go to my husbands funeral. I am only 40 years old. This is not how I pictured my life would go. This is so hard. This is so unreal. I can’t believe I’m doing this and I don’t have a choice.” I got on my knees and asked Heavenly Father to please be with me today. I got up, said, “I can do this!” and we left. I couldn’t think too much about what I was going to do today.
The funeral was wonderful. Everyone did such an amazing job. I felt we gave Jay the best tribute. I held it together pretty well, until the end of the meeting when the mortician had my youngest son, who was 12, push the casket out of the chapel. I cried as I followed him to the street where they put the casket in the hearse and then I fell apart. My brother sat there and held me as they shut the door. It seemed so final. So real. So over.
We went to the cemetery and I talked to the mortician for a few minutes so I didn’t have to go to where he was being buried. I watched my brothers carry the casket to his final resting place. The mortician walked with me and there were chairs set up right in front of the casket. Those chairs were for me and the kids. This was wrong. After my brother in law dedicated the grave everyone just sat there, silent. I finally got up and went to the casket and fell on it and sobbed and sobbed. This was horrible. What am I going to do now? My mom and daughter came up to the casket and cried with me. I didn’t think by this time I had any tears left, but I did! Driving away was so hard. How could I just leave him there? This was so final.