I didn’t even realize it for months, but I was trying to control everything around me once my husband passed away. Then once I realized it, I didn’t understand it. I’m not a controlling person, so why was I trying to control people and situations, and circumstances? Here’s what it is- I felt such a loss of control surrounding his death.
I could do nothing about his death. Especially now. It wasn’t up to me at all if he died or if he lived and it felt so awful and hard to admit that.
As the survivor, I felt it was my duty to make sure I lived healthily and so did my kids. I started to worry about them more. I thought, “I am the only parent they have now, so I better live healthily and do everything in my power to be here for them.” It’s just a weird feeling. I went to the gym for 3 hours a day. Some of that was to live healthy and a lot of it was to do something with my brain- stop the thoughts and get out as much anger, sadness, and anxiety as possible!
I wanted to fix everything in the beginning and found out I only have control over myself. Yuck, that’s not the answer I wanted. I wanted to feel a little control in the world and it’s just not possible. Coming to grips with the loss of control was difficult. But then it gave me a lot of strength. I could control something- it was me! Once I took responsibility for that and that I knew I was not a victim, I was in total control of myself. This took me to a really good place. It took me years to get here and sort everything out, but now I am happy and in control of one thing only – and that’s me. Good old me and my thoughts and habits and life. I’m pretty grateful and happy about that.