my question mark file

Writing is so interesting. I have to be in the right space – physically, spiritually, and emotionally. The energy surrounding me is so important. Noise throws me off. People distract me– I can hear the girls laughing their heads off right now- which isn’t a bad thing- it makes me smile while taking me out of “the zone”. I lose my train of thought with a dog barking (dang it, Chester!). I have to play the right music to get me where I need to be, then turn it off so I can think. I usually have my yoga mat close and meditate for a couple of minutes and spiritually get in a good space. My office can’t be cluttered, or I have to be so focused it doesn’t matter (like today). I also need to have a thought or ah-ha moment that sparks me to write- enough to get through all of the things that are blocking me. It’s like this ideal space I have to be in, so now you see why I may go days or weeks without writing.

Over the past few years, I have used my writing to process my thoughts. I believe if emotions are in my body and head I have to get them out. If I suppress them, they keep bubbling up. Some people scream them out. That doesn’t work for me. Some physically hit a pillow or something to get them out. Kickboxing works for me in the angry stage- which I don’t go through as often anymore. But writing serves me best. I realized today that I haven’t written much lately and sat back to look at why. Besides being in the optimal headspace, a few things come to mind. My head has been in a couple of my businesses more than full time- maybe double full time, creating websites, and content, writing a book, planning Madie’s wedding and making tons (literally tons) of Glow Dough. Most of all, I am so grateful to say, I am healing. Healing so much that I don’t feel I need to write as often to get out the emotions that are bottled up inside but write to help others. I do recognize that I have some emotions that I don’t know what to do with and had an ah-ha moment tonight. So I fought through all of the distractions and here it is…

I am an organizer. I physically file everything very specifically. I have hundreds of files. If I need to find instructions on our grill, I know exactly where to find it. Invoice from 2102, I know exactly where it is and can find it within minutes. I also have figured out I file everything that’s in my head. I have brain files on my businesses, my family, finances, etc. But where do I put emotions- well, of course, in a file in my head. But what about the ones I don’t know where to file- the ones that are still open- the things I have no clarity on? I have these questions floating around my head that I can’t figure out the answer to. Maybe everyone does? They seem to keep floating through my brain and filling it with chaos. I call this black noise (opposite of peaceful white noise).

I had a time in my life where everything was completely turned upside-down. Many questions were raised. I had situations happen that were so emotional I had no idea what to do with them. I had people in my life that were once a huge part of me, and all of a sudden they wanted nothing to do with me. Some of these people are family members or people I had deep relationships with, which makes for extreme high emotions. I tried to “fix” the problem by talking through it but found that made it worse. One of the most upsetting was questions that I couldn’t ask my deceased husband. Obviously, I wasn’t going to come up with a quick fix or have clarity in my lifetime, which is completely disturbing. I had spiritual questions that I asked my church leaders with them giving me answers like, “We just don’t know those answers on earth today.” Questions, concerns, burdens filling up my head. I have gone over and over the problems, so many times, turned it inside out, talked through it with counselors, and spent years learning about psychology, and spirituality, and read hundreds of self-help books. I tried to work it out with whomever or whatever the question is dealing with and can’t find a good answer or agreement. This really bogged my head down.

Seriously my head can’t handle this disorganization and complicated thoughts. I decided that I don’t want to end up going crazy and had to come up with some kind of answer. There are some things I will never have an answer to or never have a solution for that I am happy with. In some ways, this is my answer- knowing I will never find an answer. I decided after a long LONG time, like years, that these emotions, situations, and problems were going to sit in my head TO DO list forever unless I came up with a different solution.

So here it is…

I created a Question Mark File in my head. Yes a place I could put unresolved relationships, emotions and questions I may never have an answer for. I picture a physical file and I picture or write the problem or person on a piece of paper in my head and place it in the QUESTION Mark File. There it goes, into the file. Instead of coming through like rain clouds above every once in a while it is filed. Put away. I don’t take the paper out of the file very often anymore to examine it because I have put so much time and effort into it already. I know there’s no other way to look at it anymore. I have to look at the greater good for me and it’s not spending any more energy on this. I have more important things to do here and now, like the children in my home, my husband, my business and my happiness. These things are not gone, just put away in a safe place so I don’t have to focus on them. I believe what you focus on, grows and have noticed that since I have filed these unsolved mysteries away, I have more head space to focus on the good.