Nov 30, 2008
Sunday was great with church and then going to my sister’s home for dinner. We look forward to being with them every chance we get! Monday was nice to have FHE at our Bishops -we love the Roberson family! I worked Mon, Tues, and Wed and was busy every second of every day. I like to be busy, but I was ready for a holiday! I was excited for Thanksgiving because we get to be with those we love for a long weekend!
I thought I was emotionally prepared for this week, but I guess not. It has been 4 months since Jay left. I know a lot of people say I look like I am doing great but nobody sees when I go to my room alone and cry. I guess this is a week where I will tell you a lot of the times that are hard – sometimes I try to skip over that part – but it is a real part of this mourning process. The holiday for us started on Wed night when we ate with my sister’s extended family for their Thanksgiving dinner. It is fun to do so many things now with lots of people because Jay wouldn’t have wanted to do them with us and now I can say YES to everything!! It is really fun for me– and my kids are good to do whatever I decide. It was so nice to be with all of them, but it was different for us which made it hard.
Thanksgiving morning I cried because I miss Riley. That day we went to my parent’s house and ate dinner (maybe I should call this one lunch since it was at 1 pm!) We also made our gingerbread houses- my kids love this tradition! It seemed normal and it wasn’t hard for me so far. Then at 3, we went to the Adamson’s home for Thanksgiving dinner there (I know – dinner #3!) When Tami said the prayer I could feel Jay right by me. I wasn’t prepared for that. I could feel him by me for about 2 hours – until I went downstairs to watch “Elf” which is a movie he didn’t like. I had in my mind that we would have lots of things to do all day and keeping busy it makes the holidays not so hard, but to feel him so close to me for hours makes it automatically hard and I miss him. We played games and talked and it was fun. Our family stayed with the Adamsons and pretended like we were at a Bed and Breakfast for days! They take such good care of us!
Natalie and I on Thanksgiving Day
Jeri and I at Thanksgiving…
Friday we all slept in for a change and had a great breakfast. Then all of the Adamson boys went shopping where they wanted to go and all the girls went with me to buy new Christmas decorations and things for my house at a wholesale store. We were gone for hours! It is better than being at the mall or any other store for me 🙂 I’m not too big on shopping! When we were buying the Christmas ornaments I broke down for a minute. I’m just thinking of some questions like what stockings do I hang up? Riley and Jay are gone this year. Who do I write FROM on the gifts that are normally from Mom and Dad? Who is going to go shopping with me on date night to help me pick out the kids gifts? I would have never imagined I would be doing this.
All of the Adamsons met at my house to put up my Christmas decorations and to hang pictures I had bought. I can’t believe they did this– they tended my kids and did everything for me and I left on a date! It was such a blessing to come home and have it all done and not have to go through that emotional part of the holidays! Talk about unconditional love!
Brett L. and I went on our date to the Body World’s Museum downtown. It was awesome! I recommend it! It makes me want to be even better to my body! I have so much to be grateful for at this time of year and one thing I was thinking about that sounds weird is I’m grateful that I have arthritis. I have learned so much about myself. I have found that if I will work out every day that I will feel good. For 10 years or more, I didn’t know what was wrong and when it got bad I would have to crawl into my house. If Jay was home he would carry me up and down the stairs. I hurt so much but learned how to deal with it. I had a lot of kids, a home, a career, and a church calling in the YW Presidency and Jay owned his own business and was gone most days 15 hours, 6 days a week. I had to get up every day and figure out how to live. I found out the last 8 years that working out hurt, but I felt so much better the rest of the day. I started with yoga and I feel like it saved my life. Now I am usually pain-free if I will faithfully go to the gym and I can do a lot more than yoga now. It’s amazing to see the difference in how my body feels the past 5 years. I have had so much fun the past 5 years learning all of the things I missed out on like waterskiing, wakeboarding, surfing, swimming, step, spin, etc! This has been the best 5 years of my life!! Some people think I am obsessed with going to the gym and now you know why 🙂 I am grateful there is something I can do that is not taking medicine or having operations. Weather and stress come into play where I don’t have control, but the part that I have control over– I can do 🙂 I am thankful for AS because I have become more sympathetic to those that have disabilities and I know I can do hard things!
Saturday was back to the same craziness as the rest of the week with something every second -I went to Kickbox and then I ran 3 miles outside. That felt awesome since I missed the gym yesterday. After I went to the gym, Diane brought the kids home from the Adamson Bed and Breakfast – I should tell them to market that! She was nice to let me run to the gym and keep the kids! I ran and bought Jeremy balloons for his birthday party today and looked around the craft store and started to cry again, so I left. Those Christmas decorations really hurt today! I kept thinking, “How am I going to get through this next month?”
Amy and Rachelle had their piano recital which was fabulous because they did perfectly and because it isn’t the week before Christmas!! I did cry during the recital because it just hurts to hear Christmas music and also Jay isn’t here to see these cute kids and everything they are doing as they grow up. I know he is here in spirit but that only goes so far! Diane took the 3 little girls home again while I ran to Costco to buy the cake for Jeremy’s party which started in one hour and then ran to Walmart to buy everything else for the party. I made it home at 3- right when the party started! I had a blast with nine teenage boys bowling and then eating pizza at our house. It was the highlight of my weekend – we laughed for 3 1/2 hours! We took the boys home at 6:30 and then ran to another friend’s to watch movies. HAPPY BIRTHDAY ON MONDAY TO JEREMY – BIG 14 !!
Melissa said the funniest thing today in the car. She said, “I’m really 17, I’m just in a costume!” I think she really believes this!
Oh this is fitting for the week… As I am writing this at 1:30 am, Melissa just came to the kitchen and opened a drawer to get a cup and threw up in the drawer and all over the entire kitchen. So now I get to spend about an hour getting her in the tub and in clean pj’s and clean the entire kitchen again. It makes me miss Jay more because he always took this on. Sometimes this is overwhelming! I’m grateful for a mom that raised me to have such a positive attitude and I think, “I can cry or laugh right now.” I think I will choose to laugh at this one! I know tomorrow I will wake up and it will be a new day and I will think, LIFE ISN’T ABOUT HOW TO SURVIVE A STORM, BUT HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN 🙂
Natalie, Jeremy, and Matt E.
Making gingerbread houses