I’m grateful for where I am today and for what has happened in my past to make me who I am today. It has taken me years of self-help books and a husband who calmly talks me through everything to be able to write that and mean it. I’m also pretty obsessed with The Greatest Showman and the music that has touched my soul. The words to different songs have brought a lot of different emotions forward, but now I’m ok with that. THIS IS ME. I have read a lot of books in the past few years, at least one or two a month. Each one has touched me in different ways. Before ( I call it in my previous life 1986-2008) I trained myself to deal with everyday difficulties by working harder, running as fast as possible, living on little amounts of sleep, and pushing things down if they ever bubbled up. It worked and I survived by it and know there was a time and place for that. I know my life could have been different if I had done things differently, but I didn’t. I feel there have been many failures in my life but I am also learning how to reframe that in my head. Some say there are no failures, just experiences to teach. So I have had a lot of awesome experiences that have taught me. I think I will go with that, it feels better. For sure not everything has been hard. I have had so many good times and I have learned that I also have been taught – for the first 18 years of life – to look for the good. Maybe I wasn’t looking at reality, but again I did what I had to do to survive and help my husband and kids survive. One of those failures or it felt like a “failure” for many years, was getting over the thought that “Jay taking his own life feels like a failure.” I have changed that now after some deep soul-searching and finding peace within. I believe Jay did the best he could with the tools he was given (thank you very much, Brene Brown). So did I. I took it upon myself to be his Savior each day. To lift him, keep him happy, and try to make his life as easy and clean (haha) as possible. It wasn’t my job to save him. That’s Christ’s job. Going through this has made me a much more compassionate person and I have found myself digging deep and trying to be more like Christ- not saving people, but lifting them. I also have realized I can’t change anyone but myself. That was a really hard lesson to learn and I still practice it.
Oprah asks those she interviews, “What is the lesson that’s been the hardest to learn?” My answer is not worrying what others think. My experiences have taught me the whole spectrum of this. Adopting a black baby- most people told me it was a terrible idea, but following my gut because some voice inside my head was screaming to adopt every day for 9 months. I couldn’t ignore that and felt an inner peace knowing there was something bigger going on. I will never forget bringing her home from Michigan and feeling so strongly we were friends in heaven and promised we would find each other. That’s the gift. This part of my journey taught me to follow my gut. Well, that got harder, which at the time I thought may be impossible, but life proves me wrong once in a while.
For years I felt my marriage needed to change. It didn’t feel right. It took me 8 years from when this became clear to stand up for myself. Small miracles sprinkled along the way lifted me to become more secure in myself (A lot of yoga, meditation, working out, and speaking in public). Curious people have asked me why I didn’t leave if I felt it wasn’t right. There’s a lot to that answer. First, I knew it wasn’t just Jay- I wasn’t perfect at all. But here’s a snippet- We had 6 children and I felt each one was supposed to be born into our family, so why would I feel right about that, but not the marriage? I’m loyal and I had committed to this marriage. Jay told me many times if I left him he would take his own life. How could I be a single parent- could I really do that on my own? I knew the grass wasn’t greener, but it was my soul, my aching soul, that finally gave me the courage to talk with him. I felt a deep spiritual knowledge that if I didn’t do something now, my soul was dying. I couldn’t hear it or feel it much anymore. My emotions had gone numb as well.
So here it was, one regular Friday in July, and a few things happened that had pretty much happened before. This time, though, it all happened in one day. I found a few things I hadn’t known about, so I talked with Jay throughout the day as things came up. I stood up for myself. I told him this couldn’t go on as it had been for 23 years. There was a lack of trust. We talked about things and decided to let the busy week ahead go by, then we would come up with a plan. Five days later Jay took his own life. I didn’t know for a few weeks until a letter was found that Jay committed suicide. Sick, guilty, unbelievable, and roller coaster ride were some of the words that described those first days. Then… I had failed. I was being selfish. I could have kept going until our kids were grown so they didn’t have to go through this. I hadn’t done my job to keep him alive.
There’s a stigma surrounding suicide. It is getting better all the time, but I thought people would think Jay was broken. I was broken. My kids were broken. If anyone found out Jay didn’t fall from the cliff, all of us would be looked at differently. I didn’t want Jay’s legacy to end like this. So I didn’t tell anyone. Yes the word got out some and I had to fight those battles, but my kids still didn’t know. This is where my sweet husband Matt was inserted into my life and began to help me heal. He still does. I began to see that life doesn’t have coincidences. Suddenly I wasn’t the rock I had been in the previous marriage, Matt was and I was the receiver of more miracles. Of course, I have seen counselors, energy healers, and church leaders, studied psychology, and received advice from family and friends that have helped me along this path, but I owe a HUGE thank you to Matt for standing by my side no matter what. And there’s been a lot of WHAT. 3 years after Jay’s passing I told my children after one figured it out while taking a psychology class. Jay seemed like the type of person who had depression and couldn’t cope or lost hope or couldn’t stand the pain one more day. I studied suicide and everything I could get my hands on about it. Most people will not take their own life without some sort of mental illness. It made me sad to know how much pain he was in. I have never felt anything like that. Slowly I became brave enough to tell people how Jay died. then over the years, I have gained the courage to want to promote awareness. It has taken years of patience, studying, and hard work to get to the point to say, “I’m grateful for my past.” Yes, I have felt people judge me and there were a lot of rumors. I’ve seen their eyes look at me then pretend they didn’t see me and walk away. Of course, it hurts. This has happened for the past 9 years and it has made me stronger. I understand their point of view because I would have probably done the same thing had I not been through it myself. That’s why I feel it’s important to spread the word that depression and suicide are real. It happens to people that we would never expect. Other things happen to people, too. We have no idea what battles people are fighting. I know because I lived this. Nobody knew what was going on inside my home. I even kept most of it from my own children who were living right inside.
Now my greatest hope is that we can lift each other, be compassionate, give people the benefit of the doubt, try not to judge, and just love. Let’s radiate positivity…
From The Greatest Showman, Songwriters: Justin Paul, Benj Pasek
This Is Me
I am not a stranger to the dark
Hide away, they say
‘Cause we don’t want your broken parts
I’ve learned to be ashamed of all my scars
Run away, they say
No one’ll love you as you are
But I won’t let them break me down to dust
I know that there’s a place for us
For we are glorious
When the sharpest words wanna cut me down
I’m gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out
I am brave, I am bruised
I am who I’m meant to be, this is me
Look out ’cause here I come
And I’m marching on to the beat I drum
I’m not scared to be seen
I make no apologies, this is me
Another round of bullets hits my skin
Well, fire away ’cause today, I won’t let the shame sink in
We are bursting through the barricades and
Reaching for the sun (we are warriors)
Yeah, that’s what we’ve become (yeah, that’s what we’ve become)
I won’t let them break me down to dust
I know that there’s a place for us
For we are glorious
When the sharpest words wanna cut me down
I’m gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out
I am brave, I am bruised
I am who I’m meant to be, this is me
Look out ’cause here I come
And I’m marching on to the beat I drum
I’m not scared to be seen
I make no apologies, this is me
(Oh-oh-oh-oh) and I know that I deserve your love
(Oh-oh-oh-oh) ’cause there’s nothing I’m not worthy of
When the sharpest words wanna cut me down
I’m gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out
This is brave, this is proof
This is who I’m meant to be, this is me
Look out ’cause here I come (look out ’cause here I come)
And I’m marching on to the beat I drum (marching on, marching, marching on)
I’m not scared to be seen
I make no apologies, this is me
When the sharpest words wanna cut me down
I’m gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out
I’m gonna send a flood
Gonna drown them out
Oh
This is me
“What makes you different, makes you special.” Hugh Jackman
