Sept 27, 2008
This week started out so great. At church we had the Primary Program in Sacrament Meeting. I was worried it was going to be hard for me. It was the funniest meeting I have ever been to in my whole life. There were a few kids up there that were so funny! One boy was making up actions to the songs and SO funny. His dad was sitting right by him and was asleep while 1/2 of the congregation could see his child and we were all laughing and crying. I had tears just running down my face from laughing so hard. Another boy kept making faces and hiding. Melissa was signing a lot of the songs and she was the only one. It was so great. My parents had come and they were so glad! On Tuesday I was driving Amy to piano and I realized that we have a new “normal”. I am starting to get used to doing absolutely everything by myself. Luckily Jay had everything so organized that it is not hard to pick up where he left off. Yeah! for once I am glad he was OCD!
On Wednesday I woke up and felt like something had been lifted from my heart. I have been released from Hell! That’s really what it felt like. I’m not sure why, probably just time is the only thing that is going to make this feel better. Each day I go to the gym- I just couldn’t make it through this without that energy boost.
Jeremy was mad one day, slamming doors and being rude to me and stuff and he went outside and I ran out and stopped him and told him if he was mad he needed to come and talk to me about it. I told him this has been the hardest 2 months of my life and he can’t treat me like this and he needs to learn to communicate with me. We talked about it for a minute. He doesn’t talk very much so I guess this is how he deals with losing his dad when he is 13. Everyone shows grief in their own way and I am the lucky one who gets to figure out how to deal with it all!
Natalie has had hard things happen to her every week since this happened. She is really great at taking it as it comes, though. We decided we live in the Twilight Zone. This week a great boy who used to be in our ward and one of Riley and Natalie’s favorite friends passed away from cancer. (If I would have known he was sick I would have gone and talked to him and told him to hit Jay for me when he got there!) Last week another girl they knew died. One of her friends broke his femur a few weeks ago, 5 days before he was to enter the MTC and the week before that one of her friends was missing for a few days (Nati said nobody she knows can go missing again!) before he was supposed to go to the MTC and when she called the MTC he hadn’t checked in. She found him later that night and he decided he wasn’t going. Nati told me she was supposed to write a paper in english on a trial she has had in her life. She said she couldn’t think of anything! haha, Nati.
On Saturday I ran 3 miles then my kids and I went to “The Sharing Place” which is a grief center for children. The kids loved it and I hated it. I didn’t want to be there. I just kept thinking, “This cannot be happening to me.” This was our consultation and now we are on their waiting list and they said it could take up to a year to get in. It is really great for kids to be with other kids who have had a loss in their life. It really was a wonderful place – I just don’t want to do this. I want to wake up from this nightmare. My cute kids are so good at just do whatever I say – I told them as I woke them up early on Saturday to go, “this will be fun!” And it was. For them. They don’t know how hard this is for me to see them have to go through this.
Jeremy was mad one day, slamming doors and being rude to me and stuff and he went outside and I ran out and stopped him and told him if he was mad he needed to come and talk to me about it. I told him this has been the hardest 2 months of my life and he can’t treat me like this and he needs to learn to communicate with me. We talked about it for a minute. He doesn’t talk very much so I guess this is how he deals with losing his dad when he is 13. Everyone shows grief in their own way and I am the lucky one who gets to figure out how to deal with it all!
Natalie has had hard things happen to her every week since this happened. She is really great at taking it as it comes, though. We decided we live in the Twilight Zone. This week a great boy who used to be in our ward and one of Riley and Natalie’s favorite friends passed away from cancer. (If I would have known he was sick I would have gone and talked to him and told him to hit Jay for me when he got there!) Last week another girl they knew died. One of her friends broke his femur a few weeks ago, 5 days before he was to enter the MTC and the week before that one of her friends was missing for a few days (Nati said nobody she knows can go missing again!) before he was supposed to go to the MTC and when she called the MTC he hadn’t checked in. She found him later that night and he decided he wasn’t going. Nati told me she was supposed to write a paper in english on a trial she has had in her life. She said she couldn’t think of anything! haha, Nati.
On Saturday I ran 3 miles then my kids and I went to “The Sharing Place” which is a grief center for children. The kids loved it and I hated it. I didn’t want to be there. I just kept thinking, “This cannot be happening to me.” This was our consultation and now we are on their waiting list and they said it could take up to a year to get in. It is really great for kids to be with other kids who have had a loss in their life. It really was a wonderful place – I just don’t want to do this. I want to wake up from this nightmare. My cute kids are so good at just do whatever I say – I told them as I woke them up early on Saturday to go, “this will be fun!” And it was. For them. They don’t know how hard this is for me to see them have to go through this.
